“Recordar es Vivir. Y yo quiero vivir mil veces.”

The struggle is real.  I have found myself every night struggling. Not to put words down, but rather deciding what I want to write about.  Not sure if it’s because the messy part of life I’m going through, or because maybe I am simply not as good as a writer as I’d like to be, or maybe just because of the fact that English is not my first language and the ideas seem sometimes too plain and simple to share.  But here I am, trying my best to persevere (I need to practice what I preach), to pull through and finish what I started.

As I sit on my couch, staring at my laptop for the last 45 min, reading post over post trying to find some inspiration, remembering I need to try and write stories rather than “band aids”, I stare at a picture that seems to be staring back at me, I think I found some inspiration.   

“Recordar es vivir.  Y yo quiero vivir mil veces” (Translated to English:  Remembering is living. And I want to live a thousand times).  

It definitely does not sound so poetic when translated literally to english.  But this quote is one that tells a little bit about who I am. I am that one person people sometimes find annoying.  I love taking pictures of everything and anything. I love taking pictures of moments more than I do things. I am obsessed with capturing every moment, happy ones, sad ones, proud ones, confusing ones.  Many times friends and family get annoyed, they tell me to live the moment. And don’t get me wrong, I do, but it might just be that maybe I feel each moment even more then they do, I feel them so strongly that I don’t want to ever forget the feeling.

When I’m feeling down, all I need to do is find those pictures that remind me about all the fun and happy moments I’ve lived.  These days I look back at the most recent trip I had this Christmas. After probably 20 years, we were able to find some time to travel as a family.   I am feeling angry and sad about not being with my mom as she battles cancer. I feel scared about the fact that who knows how much longer she’ll live.  I feel angry about the fact that there’s so much in my life I won’t get to share with her nor my father (he passed away 2 years ago). And so, I go back to the 1,000 pictures I took while we traveled to Disney this Christmas, and even though I am sad when I think about this possibly being the last trip with her, I then feel an immense gratitude about the fact that it even happened at all.  I can go back and relive every single moment and nobody can take away these memories from me. I will always have the pictures to live those happy moments a thousand times more.

When I’m feeling unsure and scared about where I’m going next in life, all I need to do is find those pictures that remind me about how far I’ve come.  These days I look back at pictures of all the places I’ve been, of all the places I’ve lived. Each of them reminds me of the sense of adventure that has allowed me to evolve and grow.  I feel worried about not having a plan. I feel scared of making the wrong choices. And so, I go back to the 10,000 pictures I took when I was studying abroad in college (Pennsylvania), far away from home (El Salvador).  And I look at the pictures of when I lived in Florence, and when I lived in Madrid and now of me here in Mexico. And I look at these pictures and I remember the fears I had, how scared I was and how amazing everything turned out, despite the ups and downs that came with them.   I relive all of the good and bad moments and it helps me find the peace I need to know that I might not have everything figured out, but it’ll all be ok in the end.

And just like this, when I am feeling so many other things, all I do is look back at pictures, and live again.  Live every moment, remember every feeling (good and bad) and live a thousand times again.

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