Indecisiveness (n.) – doubt concerning two or more possible alternatives or courses of action
Indecisiveness sometimes takes up too much space in my day, and today is no exception. So as I sit here trying to decide what I want to share, I have decided I’ll go with my gut feeling and just write, don’t over think, just write.
What are my two possible alternatives? Do I write about more “depressing” topics or do I try to search for the good and happy in my life? Because I know that even though I’m going through difficult times, there are also amazing things and people in my life to be thankful for. And as I try to decide I go back and forth, telling myself the right thing would be to focus on the good, the happy so that I can stop feeling blue or sad. But another part of me also feels like I owe it to my readers to tell them a bit more about that awful word, CANCER. And so I was debating between the “what I should do?” and the “what I want to do?”. And I went for the “what I want to do”, and honestly it is a relieve to have finally decided.
After I posted my writing yesterday, I felt like I should’ve been more clear, I thought I might have mislead my readers, I never really said how was cancer affecting me. I could say, thankfully it’s not me who has cancer, but unfortunately I can’t be thankful it’s not me because it’s my mom. It’s the one person that holds my family together. I would do anything to be me the one with cancer and not her.
I felt such a strong need to share this because most of the time, when we hear about someone battling cancer, we feel and we can imagine the pain or fear the person with cancer is going through. I thought the relief my readers might feel when knowing I’m not the one with cancer. But the reality is that sometimes it almost feels the same. No one can ever know the tremendous pain and fear it means for the family until its you. I certainly never did until now. It is almost impossible to describe the pain and fear I feel as the daughter of a mother with cancer.
I am 36 and the second of three girls. Lucky to have been raised by two amazing human beings, my mom and dad. But life works in ways that sometimes we will never understand. I try my best day to day to not be angry at life because all in all, even with the bad I do realize I have been blessed in so so many ways. Two years ago my father passed away, and the idea of losing my mom just seems too unfair. I think of all the people who have been through worse things, and how they now smile, learned to live with the pain, made the best out of what life gave them and moved on. Thinking about them reminds me that in the end I will be ok too. So here I am trying my best to stay positive, to believe that we will fight and win this battle, and remember that God’s plans work in the most mysterious ways, and years from now, I too will smile. I know life is not life without the good and the bad, and it is now when I wish I could fast forward this movie called Life. But since I can’t I’ll do exactly what my dearest and wisest friend said, I’ll push other buttons in the Remote control for Life and discover so many other things I didn’t know were there. Stay tuned 🙂